Meeting Mayhem

This is us – Mayhem. In this picture we don’t look like mayhem, but let me assure you, we are, and we are pleased to meet you.

Back Row: Riley – almost 19, man boy. Wants to star in a rock band, can’t sing. Bi-polar. Won’t take his medication. Has ADHD. Always late.

Gary – Dad, high school AND middle school Assistant Principal, super smart guy and collector of obscure games. Enjoys cheap beer and the Orioles. Likes to do crossword puzzles in bed. Reads non-fiction. Listens to Tom Waits. Not as boring as he sounds.

Anna – neurotic third year law student and human tornado. Lover of all things Taylor Swift and cats. Likes bubblebaths and eyeliner. Hates math, despite the fact she’s good at it. Anxiety ridden. Has ADHD. Is a mixture of over confident and self doubting.

Emily-Jane (EJ) – high school freshman, poet and cheerleader. Former gymnast, occasional model, horror movie watcher, and sweetheart. Wants to work for the FBI when she’s older. Could probably dispose of a body.

Amanda – that’s me, the mom. Calendar keeper, sports fan, and ringmaster of the shit show, so to speak. Tries to keep people on track, and oversees virtual schooling in this crazy world – keeping the boys off Minecraft during school hours is no easy feat. Also anxiety ridden. Collects dollhouses, drinks Tito’s.

Sarah – the oldest. Sweet, quiet, stubborn. Married to Mario, (next to her,) and expecting any day now. Sarah is a grocery store cashier, Mario drives cars in an auction lot – I think. Disney fanatics. They live with Mario’s parents.

Front Row: Isaac – prickly, short tempered, and a human squirrel. First grader. Jack-o-lantern teeth and button pusher extraordinaire. Collects Legos, gets mad that he can’t put them together. Licks his brothers’ Pokemon cards, and cheats at Uno.

Landon – goofy, sweet, smart, tattletale. Artsy, funny, overly sensitive. Third grader. Fantastic student, cares about his grades, likes getting his brothers in trouble. Most likely to be content playing alone.

Dominic – oldest of the “little boys.” Fifth grader. Bossy, small in stature, scrappy. The first to strong arm his brothers into getting his way. Has no tolerance for rule breaking, unless it’s him. Athletic and a picky eater. Cute little crooked smile.

Not Pictured, but adding to the mayhem: Utah – the high energy, bordering on insane German Shorthair Pointer. As beautiful as she is spazzy. Has Pica. Racks up astronomical emergency vet bills every time something has to be scoped from her stomach. Can run really fast and jump over fences.

Bear – fat, face licking Epileptic Labrador Retriever with a weak urinary sphincter. Jolly, shrill barking, people pleaser. Likes her belly rubbed, scared of her own shadow, sprinkles pee where ever she goes. Not allowed on the furniture.

Eloise – matriarch, old lady, black and white cat. Finicky, box sitting, won’t drink from a bowl. Will only drink running water. The children are scared to pick her up. Occasionally bites. Easily offended.

Jake – mellow, snuggle bug, white and gray spotted cat. Would shop in the “Big and Tall” section if he was not, in fact, a cat. Makes a lot of noise. Chews the flocking off the Christmas tree. Likes to sleep on Gary’s head with his paw in his ear.

Frankenstein – terrorizing, psychotic tuxedo cat. Quarantined in Emily-Jane’s room for FOUR months because he ate a potentially rabid bat. Tipper-overer of milkshakes, Goldfish Crackers, and makeup pallets. Eater of plants, great and small. Biter, scratcher, lover. Cryptorchid.